Monday, February 04, 2008

Public showers, tights, and big sparkly rings

I decided to tune in to a teeny bit of the Super Bowl coverage so I'd have some idea what my co-workers were talking about today. (And oh, the wailing and the gnashing of the teeth here in metro-Boston after the Patriots loss -- you have no idea...) So here's what the Super Bowl looks like to someone who knows absolutely zero about professional sports:

6:20 p.m.: Didn't there used to be big, splashy Pre-Game shows with lots of has-been musicians performing? Apparently they don't do those anymore, or if they do it was over by this time. All I see is a panel discussion among a group of fat neckless guys wearing suits. Each and every one of them looks supremely uncomfortable in his suit. You get the sense they'd all be much happier in polyester jogging outfits.

6:21 p.m.: Commercials.

6:26 p.m.: A brief break in the commercials so they can come back and breathlessly anticipate the "coin toss." A million people come out on the field to view the outcome. Will it be heads or tails?? Riveting. I can totally see why people get so into this...

6:28 p.m.: Commercials, including one wherein a former Super Bowl star delivers a rambling oration dedicated to the specialness of winning the contest and getting to wear the Super Bowl ring. The Super Bowl ring is shown on this man's finger in a lingering shot that looks like it's lit exclusively by candles, to maximize the sparkle of the ring's many, many diamonds. This is a ring that would look perfectly appropriate on the finger of a wealthy woman north of 70. THIS is what they give as a prize to these 20-year-old guys when they win? Why not a tweedy St. John suit and a Cartier brooch shaped like a bumblebee?
(Yes, I know the above photo shows a Patriots ring -- it was all I could find! No pictures of one with a Giants logo available online, apparently.)

6:35 p.m.: The commercials finally end and they start singing the national anthem. For some reason we're seeing soldiers in Iraq. Also occasionally we see a Fox News logo in the corner featuring some kind of animated football playing robot with enormous shoulders. Because, as we can see from the jewelry and the post-game communal showers and the tights, this is a game that is all about macho.

6:36 p.m.: I can't take it anymore and I turn it off.

No comments: