Thursday, December 08, 2005

Toddler Snot-Wiping Torture

I have an idea that Dick Cheney might like. If he's looking for new and creative ways to torment the various people we've got locked up in Gitmo, Abu Ghraib and those secret prisons in Europe, the Toddler Snot-Wiping Torture might do. This is the process whereby the toddler sneezes, expelling a glob of nasal discharge approximately the size of a golf ball (and containing enough germs to infect half the neighborhood) and you, the parent, run over with a wad of tissues to wipe her up before she manages to smear snot all over your couch, the rug, the walls, etc. Much screaming, wriggling and arm-waving ensues. But once you're done, you think, well, at least she's cleaned up now.

Then 45 seconds later she sneezes again, and you start the whole thing all over. We could airlift in a bunch of congested 1- and 2-year olds, allow them to run free among the prisoners, and let the fun begin!

Alternatively, this process could provide the germ (germ, get it? har har!) of a concept for a new movie along the lines of those grade-Z horror films you always see in the Blockbuster video:

The Snotening. "It never ends, and you can't escape!" I'm thinking Paris Hilton could star, perhaps along with a male lead from some show on the WB network. Paris could die in a snot flood or avalanche or something.

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